


way too long

by tbzkevin



Category: ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, dancer!hwanwoong, he's already a dancer but still, im a loser for writing this, like professional dancing, not in a band, please dont read if you dont like sad things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 14:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21137975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbzkevin/pseuds/tbzkevin
Summary: youngjo just wishes he could go over there, distract the dancer from all his troubles, to hold him tight and to reassure him that everything will get better, and that depression is just another huge obstacle in life. you can get over it if you stay dedicated, and get back up when you fall.





	way too long

**Author's Note:**

> I, personally, feel this way a lot and i had no clue how to express my feelings. so i did what i think i do best: put them into words. don't @ me, i love hwanwoong with all my heart, i just felt i can connect with him more. i love youngjo and hwanwoong together, too. if you wanna talk about writing things or just wanna ever chat you can message me on insta. its @tbzerc

_What’s something you miss from your childhood?_

the words burned into hwanwoong’s brain, leaving a nasty burn in the flesh. he missed only a few things from his childhood, but there was one thing he missed the most. and it was probably the worst thing to miss. 

he missed being depressed.

he missed being so depressed he wouldn’t eat for days, he missed laying in bed for hours crying about how much life sucks, he missed locking himself away from everyone. it’s definitely not something someone should miss. someone should miss their friends, pets, all the happy and great things about being a young kid. 

now, when he means childhood, he technically means his teenage years, when everything began to crumble and fall apart. nothing too bad even happened to him. he just simply got really sad one day, and it just went downhill from there. maybe the fact that his parents didn’t want anything to do with him anymore could’ve done it, but hwanwoong refuses to believe that’s the reason why. 

sure, he gets days where he gets depressed, but he misses when he would constantly feel like it. hwanwoong never felt fully worthy for being happy. so many people in his life deserved that more than he did. he felt like he was stealing something from people whenever he wasn’t depressed. he didn’t feel like a burden then, when he was lying on the bathroom floor, tears running down his face and the infamous razor blade stained with blood lying next to him. 

but nowadays he feels more like a burden than ever before. laying in bed at 3 in the morning, thinking about why his friends might actually hate him. he refuses to believe that they actually do care about him, because if he believes it, he’ll feel like he’s burdening them. making them feel obligated to care about him, to worry about him. 

and that’s the last thing the dancer wants: pity and worry.

he isn’t worthy of it, he doesn’t deserve to be worried about. many times, he just wishes others would forget about him, to act like he’s not even there, like he’s a complete waste of time and oxygen. if he tries hard enough, people will forget about him. no one will remember him for anything. only then will he feel like he’s finally done something worthwhile.

then, there are some days where he breaks in front of his friends, everything getting too much and it all comes crashing down onto his weak shoulders. and youngjo is always there to catch him, to repair whatever was broken in the younger boy. youngjo knows he can’t fix it all, nor does he even want to. he believes that hwanwoong is strong enough to fix the deepest cuts, the most shattered pieces. and he’ll be so proud of him when that time comes. 

although there are days where it hurt youngjo so much to see hwanwoong breaking and cracking under the pressures of life. and there was nothing he could do about it. he knows hwanwoong wouldn’t accept the pity and help, let alone even admit he was feeling depressed. youngjo was probably one of the few people who can see right through the small, fragile boy. hell, he might be the only one. all their friends believe him whenever hwanwoong says “yea, i’m fine. just really tired.” but youngjo, he knows that hwanwoong is struggling, is trying to carry the weight of his problems on his shoulders. and it’s making him weaker and weaker every day.

there’s one thing that youngjo knows that can distract hwanwoong from all those difficulties: dancing. it allows hwanwoong to do his own thing without the feeling of being ridiculed about little things. he only has to focus on the choreography, not the million other things swarming his head. not to mention how beautifully the younger boy dances. he’ll get so into the dance that everything he was feeling earlier disappears. it’s just hwanwoong, the music and the dance room. 

most nights, youngjo lay awake hoping and wishing that hwanwoong is feeling alright, that he’s asleep. comfortable, unaware of his surroundings. but he knows that’s not happening. night is when hwanwoong’s mind is the most active. alone in a dark, quiet room gives negative thoughts the ability to show up and eat you alive. youngjo just wishes he could go over there, distract the dancer from all his troubles, to hold him tight and to reassure him that everything will get better, and that depression is just another huge obstacle in life. you can get over it if you stay dedicated, and get back up when you fall. 

and even though hwanwoong will always refuse to say it, but he wishes that youngjo would hold him close and never let him go. when the elder isn’t watching, hwanwoong would watch him, almost like a hawk. whenever youngjo would hug dongju or keonhee, something would twist in hwanwoong’s gut, then suddenly he’ll feel sick. he has to remind himself that youngjo would never do that. hwanwoong is too skinny and fragile to be hugged. hug him, and he’ll break like porcelain. 

but that’s exactly how youngjo would treat hwanwoong. just like porcelain. it’s beautiful, but put it under pressure and it breaks. hwanwoong is beautiful, but the moment he’s under pressure of any kind, he breaks and shatters into a million pieces. it doesn’t make him any less beautiful to youngjo. youngjo admires how much he can handle, although hwanwoong might think he’s at his breaking point. but youngjo knows he can handle it, knows he can keep going even when hwanwoong is exhausted from it all. 

at times like now, as youngjo sits and watches hwanwoong and fellow dancer yunho, the pride youngjo is feeling for the younger is overwhelming. he’s in awe at hwanwoong’s perseverance, to keep going even though he’s tired and just wants to collapse and sleep. he doesn’t need encouragement; he doesn’t need people to tell him he’s doing good. he just needs to prove to himself that he’s just a little strong, he needs to let himself know every once in a while that he’s talented, even if he doesn’t say those words to himself. his actions speak louder than his words ever will. 

but something was different today, hwanwoong was off even while he was dancing. everyone in the room can tell that he was beating himself up, and yunho decided it was best if they go on break for a little while, but that didn’t sit right with hwanwoong.

“i agree with yunho, woong. you two have been practicing for hours without a break. let’s go out to get something to eat to replenish your energy,” youngjo tried to reason, hoping it would work. hwanwoong looked at everyone else in the room. he gave in, only because yunho looked so tired and he’d feel bad if he had to continue to work yunho. 

“good. let’s go,” youngjo questioned, looking back to everyone else as hwanwoong left the room first. he gave them all a simple nod before following the smaller boy out into the hallway where his true side starting showing again.

“i don’t care how long i’ve been dancing, i can’t dance for shit,” hwanwoong growled lowly. it startled youngjo; he’s never heard that tone from the dancer before. he didn’t even think he had it in him to lower his voice like that. 

“hwanwoong, don’t start now. everyone has off days. there are days where i can’t write a song for the life of me. it’s your body telling you something,” youngjo placed his hands on the shorter’s shoulders, grounding him and leaving him no choice but to listen to him. but if looks could kill, youngjo is sure he’d be dead. the glare the younger shot him was scary, and it’s not something he usually does. 

“just, let me be, will you,” hwanwoong tried to break free from the elder’s grasp, but youngjo was too strong compared to him. it angered hwanwoong more, why couldn’t youngjo just let him go?

“no. i hate watching you beat yourself up over the littlest things. it’s hard, knowing you aren’t happy. and i know how much you hate when people pity you, but i don’t care. i just want to say how important you are to me, alright,” youngjo sighed, giving up and dropping his arms back to his sides. 

they stared at each other for a long time, hwanwoong expressionless and youngjo looking like he was about to cry. hwanwoong was the first to tear his gaze away, staring at the ground. it was a sad sight in youngjo’s opinion: hwanwoong looking even more broken than before. he just stood in front of him, waiting for the younger to make a move, any move. 

and he did just that. he crashed forward into youngjo, wrapping his arms so tightly around the taller male that he could crush him if he tried hard enough. youngjo instinctively wrapped his arms around the younger, holding him so damn close. this time, hwanwoong wasn’t afraid to cry in front of youngjo. it was like he finally figured out that youngjo was his safe place, and that he was there for him, no matter what. 

“i’m sorry for not noticing that all you wanted to be was to be there for me,” hwanwoong said after a while, voice sounding smaller and a little more high pitched than usual. youngjo frowned a little at that; he was blaming himself once again.

“not your fault, hwan. you simply didn’t want to seem weak in front of others, and i admire that. but, you can be weak in front of me. i will never judge you for being weak, okay,” youngjo reassured the younger, gently placing his hand under his chin. 

“thank you, youngjo. i don’t know why it took me so long to just, i don’t know, let go of my worries. especially in front of my friends,” hwanwoong’s voice evened out as he unwrapped his arms from the elder’s waist. youngjo just smiled down at him fondly, reaching out and taking hold of his hands, playing with them gently.

“should we go back to the studio? i think you’re ready to go and crush that dance with yunho,” youngjo smiled widely, squeezing hwanwoong’s hand encouragingly. hwanwoong smiled back, and this time it was legit, and it made youngjo’s heart swell.

when they got back, yunho and his friends were already there, waiting patiently for the two to return. everyone began smiling as soon as hwanwoong walked in with one of the biggest smiles they’ve ever seen.

“let’s get it, yunho. let’s crush it,” hwanwoong raised a fist in an encouraging way, and yunho did the same thing, pressing play on his phone to start the song. youngjo stood in the corner, watching his little firecracker with overwhelming pride. he really was crushing it, they went through choreography without having to stop and restart. 

they stayed at the studio for about an hour before yunho and hwanwoong collectively collapsed and fell to the floor from being so tired. they were smiling and laughing, though, which reassured both youngjo and mingi (they denied they were dating but everyone knew they were). 

yunho and mingi left first because hwanwoong wanted to stay and relax before walking home. youngjo joined him on the floor, both of them laying on their backs and staring at the insanely bright lights in the ceiling. 

“can i hold your hand again,” hwanwoong asked, not looking at youngjo. the elder turned his head to admire the younger’s profile. even though he was drenched in sweat, he still looked so pretty. he didn’t respond to his question. instead, he just reached over and grabbed hold of his hand, intertwining their fingers together slowly. hwanwoong’s eyes closed and he sighed, like this is exactly what he’s been needing all these years. just for someone to be there for him. 

“would you be mad if i said that i like you,” hwanwoong spoke randomly, taking youngjo by surprise. he turned his head to look at hwanwoong, but the dancer was already looking at him. once again, they were staring at each other, the only sound was the buzzing from the lights above them. 

“no, i would never, could never, be mad at you for something like that,” youngjo stumbled over what words to use, and he could feel his face start to heat up. he noticed the glimmer in hwanwoong’s eyes and the slight smile that formed on his face. he looked so relaxed in this moment, his eyes fond and full of life, something that hasn’t been there in a long while. 

“okay, good,” hwanwoong responded, almost breathlessly. it took youngjo everything he had to not lean over and kiss hwanwoong on the cheek. in an almost subtle way, hwanwoong was scooting closer until their shoulders were touching. 

“this is nice, ya know. it’s calming,” hwanwoong sighed, lifting up their hands to admire the way they looked together. hwanwoong’s much smaller hand intertwined with youngjo’s much larger hand. it made hwanwoong feel safe for once. all youngjo would have to do is embrace hwanwoong, and all of the shorter’s problems would go away. and it took hwanwoong so long to realize that. way too long. 

“i can get used to this,” hwanwoong smiled, turning his whole body to face youngjo. he propped his head on his hand. youngjo mirrored him, admiring the pure happiness in the younger’s eyes. it was something that looked really good on him; happiness. 

“me too. i don’t even care that we’re laying on a dance floor,” youngjo pointed out, tapping the floor with his other hand. hwanwoong quickly placed his hand atop the elder’s before looking back at him. both of their hearts were beating like crazy, and they had that weird feeling in their stomachs, the typical butterflies.

“ya know what you should do,” hwanwoong questioned, his voice dropping in volume in case someone was to walk by the room. youngjo raised an eyebrow, scanning the boy’s face.

“personal opinion, but i think you should kiss me,” hwanwoong’s confidence was shocking. last time youngjo saw him this confidence was when he told hongjoong to ask seonghwa out, and that was literal ages ago. but youngjo most definitely wasn’t complaining, especially after what he had just asked him.

“i think i should, too,” youngjo whispered as he placed one hand on the younger’s waist and leaned in, stopping just a couple of centimeters in front of hwanwoong’s face. he wanted the younger to do it, so youngjo didn’t feel like he was forcing him to do it (although he knew that hwanwoong asked him to do it).

sure, it was pretty awkward, considering they were laying on a dance floor and they were on their sides, but it didn’t bother them as much as it should’ve. the kiss lasted less than thirty seconds, but it was enough time for them to figure out what they’ve both wanted: each other. something deep down in youngjo knew all along that he wanted to be with hwanwoong, but he didn’t pay much attention to it. he wanted to focus on helping hwanwoong whenever he needed it, not focus on his feelings toward the other male. 

and the same went for hwanwoong, he wanted to be with youngjo, but didn’t want to get him involved in his sadness and his problems. but here they are, chuckling and red faced, laying on a cold floor with nothing but the buzzing of electric in the lights. it was what they’ve been waiting for all these years. and, honestly, they wouldn’t change a single thing about anything. it was perfect in their own little way, and no one else had to know.


End file.
